this isn't new

Once i dreamt and DMT made sure i got what i wanted

i thought it was, but it turns out it really wasn’t.

In fact what i want has nothing to do with the things

of which i dream, or conceive of in passing (or waking)

delirious sentences without direction, i said

the fish just isn’t fitting on my door-frame

that made sense though, i swear it did.

I woke up to an empty bed, i was sleeping on the floor

that means what you think and what i don’t want to admit.

It’s not the same filled with a stranger,

someone who i didn’t want, or couldn’t think up,

that’s better i think, than some preconceived notion of

love, oh love, sweet love like Juliet or Rosaline before she’s tossed

right? Am i wrong? Isn’t it bullshit to fantasize,

when reality gives this wonderful actuality?

Time is in control of everything despite the fact that time has absolutely no control over anything. we are convinced we have so much time, when really it’s all ran out already, and we have to Make more time, in order for anything to occur. Or at least, this is how we function once we reach “the real world” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.

lilysofthefield:

raisethecurve:

I need help.
My imaginary girlfriend told me she’ll materialize if this post gets 50,000 notes.
Guys, seriously, please. Please.
This is the worst tease ever.

Dude. Help him out!!!

For the sake of imagination

It looks like i’m hitting that point in my life where i begin conversion to an adult. I’m not saying it’s fun, or even that i like the fact that i’m “growing up”. I’m just there. It’s been a conscious experience, definitely not something i was unaware of and suddenly realized. But it is definitely a weird feeling. Consider being a child and suddenly realizing you were gaining a language, or properly annunciating your words without a baby-singsong-voice. In my day-to-day life i have not only toned down my political rants, i’ve retreated from sharing bands with people all the time, i’ve begun to read authors that make me think (Vonnegut is still hysterical though, that’s not changing) and philosophy again. I feel like i’m reliving those early days of my teen years where all i wanted was to learn more and more until i knew i had become someone better. It wasn’t enough to simply learn then, and it isn’t now either.

Recently, a friend showed me how powerful honesty can be. It isn’t that we speak and lie, it’s that we speak and withhold the full truth. How powerful is the unspoken sentence? People laugh with us when we can’t explain our light flinches, “sorry, i’m jumpy”. Well sure, that’s what we all like to believe. Or you have been frightened by something, gained such a strong fear that moments like this come up. You could just be a jumpy person, but that isn’t quite as likely. This is how we ensure that people stay within certain walls. We block off with truths, and the lies are never really lies, they simply go unsaid. This is part of our divided culture, believing that we cannot confide in one another. And why do we feel this way? Why do people feel that they cannot talk about the awful things which have happened to them? That’s what psychiatrists are for, not friends. Sure, that’s a suitable answer isn’t it? Not to me. I’d rather know why my friends and acquaintances are who they are. They’re human, and there isn’t anything wrong with the small “flaws” as you see them.

I’m realizing this as the weeks pass by. Maybe some people have already been doing this, but i’m beginning to actively understand how others perceive the world, something i knew turning 24 would bring with it (they say your brain fully develops at 24). So i guess i should really get in everything i can this year, because it’s my “last developmental” year. Or at least i can make it my most important. Just an observation. Boredom gets the best of me.

Wearing an undershirt, flannel and T-shirt over the flannel, i went to work this morning. Did i mention the flannel lined pants that were way too warm? Now i have. This morning was a cool 40 degrees or so (i’m not speaking exact numbers because i didn’t check but i’m guessing that’s what it was). Leaving work it was so windy it might have been below thirty. What is the reason for this? I understand the insane leaps in day to day, but within a single day it dropped so severely without the sun having even gone down? And there are still those who deny anything is wrong with our planet’s ecosystem. Huh.

I left my bike at work so i decided to take it with me because (i laughed so hard when i found out) my coworkers not only bubble wrapped, but made sure to put my bike up in the top loading area where we keep boxes of product in our warehouse. Finding it there was hysterical and cutting it free from the Guantanamo Bay of Bubble-wrap was slightly funny. The ride home had me racing some guy that actually had a face mask and a jacket, while i still had my triple shirt combo and oven mitt pants. Somehow even though it is an adult bike, i still find importance in passing the person ahead of me. There is no finish line, there is no scoreboard, but in the back of my mind i’m not behind that guy/gal anymore (somedays i could be passed by twenty people and not care, other days it’s my mission to pass every car i can). I’m only competitive if I feel like it. I get blasted with winds so hard i can’t even tell which direction they are coming from but by the end of my ride i realized, i was headed in every direction and still feeling these insane winds. It doesn’t even matter which way the wind blows.

It doesn’t even matter which way the wind blows. That sentence stuck to me like cholesterol in a KFC. Why was this so important? Well, if you consider all those cliche ideas like “wherever the wind blows”, “gone with the wind”, “the sound of wind through the air”, etc. there’s probably a million of them. It doesn’t even matter which way the wind blows. I want to see Paris. But if i got there, they wouldn’t have pizza like here in NYC. They wouldn’t have all these hysterical graffiti tags and the chaotically hysterical midnight F trains packed with such a bunch of people you’d swear existence was on shuffle. Somehow in my head, “It doesn’t even matter which way the wind blows” showed me this. A sentence, meant that life is supposed to have it’s strange and its enjoyable and its tragic and its awful and beautiful, symphonic, practically orchestrated moments where you think “if ever i become someone even more important than i already am, this moment will be significant to it all”. 

I don’t know when i’ll feel that again, but it was beautiful to feel it today for no reason and without anyone to bolster it or bring it on. Today, i was happy to be alone. That is the most wonderful thing i’ve felt in a long time.

So last week my aunt died on Tuesday. Then Wednesday morning, the puppy that my Dad and Stepmom recently brought home was ran over and killed. Whoever was driving just kept going, and my two sisters (5 and 12) have been devastated by it all. I’m really not so good at dealing with tragedies. I’m understanding of the fresh wound, but more often than not I don’t dwell on pain and recover quickly. Obviously, with a funeral for my aunt i couldn’t simply laugh and smile through things, but i tried to keep spirits high. This doesn’t always work though, and that is where people like me become more of a burden than a help. (s/o to Lexi the puppy for having been cool for three weeks)

Sure, it’s great to have someone there who is not so deeply depressed. I find that if not for the people who handled things like this when i was younger, i might not have learned to do it myself and would likely dwell on things too. I can’t see the point in deep mourning, though i’m sure i’d be devastated if my own mother/father passed away (that’s a given, isn’t it?). I feel like Albert Camus’s Mersault today, like somehow i’m being insensitive and detached for not caring more about these events. I do care, i just don’t see the point in holding on to pain (is that wrong somehow, without my realizing?). My point is that to some people the idea of recovering so quickly and laughing already is a sort of strength (that’s not self-proclaimed) and helps the rest of the family to recover as well. More often than not however, i find it makes others uncomfortable that i have so soon returned to smiles and laughter. (s/o to Marianne and Victoria for conversations exploring this)

One perfect example is this old hispanic tradition my mother follows of not listening to music when someone you know has passed away (or maybe everyone does it and i’m ignorant of the fact). I’ve never seen the use in it, as music is one of the best medicines. It would be like having an open wound at a hospital and passing up on stitches “No thanks, i’m sure it’ll close up all by itself”. In some cases, i’ll use music to reopen a wound just to be sure i cared (if you ever heard the song Timothy by As Cities Burn, you’d understand). This never registered to me and i have always in secret if not with others knowledge of the fact, listened to music the day of a death and just as easily after. I don’t see how abstaining music does the person any justice. I think i’ll make a playlist/mix-cd that people HAVE to listen to when i pass away, and i’ll consider it a disrespect of the same caliber if they skip a song or don’t listen to it (but i promise it will all be at least somewhat audible). (s/o to my Mom for putting up with me)

What i’m trying to say is, i don’t understand. You can’t make me understand it, because all i understand of this is the exact opposition to this. It would be like convincing a Christian of Atheism, or vice-versa. Why would you bother to make so drastic a change on someone else’s beliefs? Disagreements, Agreements, whatever the case. Let me know? (s/o to to anyone who actually answers)